How I'm Feeling Right Now

I'm an eclectic mess

charmed by too many worlds

til I tear myself to pieces

no shoe ever quite fits right

and doubt, my confidant

it lingers wherever I go

like smoke sinking into fabric

I used to pine for hearts

now I just want chemistry

the kind between friends

comfortable enough to cut the bullshit

and burn that fucking mask

and laugh at the ashes

and we'd smile and say

'how ridiculous it was to hide our fates'

but nobody cares

because nobody hears me

so here I am

more naked than I've ever been

and alone

does anybody truly know

who they want to be?

I'm chasing a feeling

because you can't catch dreams

I'd like to be better acquainted

with the stranger staring back at me

perhaps one day the cracks will be

too open to hold onto the charade

and liberate the captive bound

to a fickle fantasy

it seems only novelty triggers a happy me

deprived of dopamine - yearning, searching

for thoughts unseen

I'm so fraught with mystery

and I'm confused with my history

and whether to go sideways,

forwards, or backwards

what if I jumped instead?

with a blindfold to the head

so I couldn't dread what's ahead

make peace with the new dead-end

a close to another chapter

perhaps my ever-after is an anthology

chaos as tidy as I could manage

take enough steps back and see

what's missing among the roaming hoards

of shapes and scribbles and things

a mess within a mess

until enough of it can be

interpreted into something

-ERL Poetry ~ Elisse Lorenc